My Little Mind

First of all let me start by telling you I am not depressed.

I have suffered from depression in the past, since my mid teens actually, and I am now proud to tell the world that I am currently over it. This may not last forever, but I currently am in control. I no longer take pills, and my mental health is stable and positive!

I am a strong, independent, confident, educated and we’ll adjusted 27 year old. I have a lot of offer the world and I’m am going to make one hell of a splash getting it.

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The battle to get there was long and hard… And for a long time I truly hated myself. I don’t remanise about the past, what happened happened. My experiences have made me who I am am, they made me fucking strong, and determined that I won’t be broken ever again.

So why am I so lonley? Why is it that despite everything I still feel utterly alone in this world? Why is it I can’t find love, companionship and romance? Why is it I struggle with intimacy and confiding in others?

Why do I shake with absolute disgust and criticism when I see people in love?

Does my strength scare others away?

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I do not need validation or continued praise to feel like I have self worth. I know I have it. Yet here I am… Perhaps destined to go through life’s journey alone… God I really hope not.

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Just because I don’t need anyone doesn’t mean I don’t want someone, or that l don’t deserve someone.

I will survive being alone, but I don’t want to be alone forever.

I know would make a brilliant mother, and I know that when the time comes I will be ready to take the risk and fall in love.

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Love is not something unachievable. I have loved and I know that I am loved. I love my family, my friends and even my cats. My girlfriend’s love me and I love them right back. They are my support system, we lean on eachother in times of need and when we need to bitch and drink wine. These ladies are utterly amazing and continue to fill me with joy and happiness.

Yet it feels like something is missing. There is a great black pit in the depth of my gut that I have spent years berrying. I push it down and distract myself with other joys that life has to offer. Yet sometimes there are times when I feel like this blackness might  take control and destroy me. I know fine well what it is and where it comes from. Years of being spat on and trampled over, having people take advantage of me and being made to feel worthless and unworthy have hardened me.

I will never be made to feel like that again… but hidden deep down that sick feeling is still there bubbling away. It comes out when I spend time much time in my head, alone and cut off from people. Isolation is not healthy for me, I  I know this… isolation would be my undoing. My mental health flairs into the unhealthy and unhinged when and if I am insulted, ridiculed or slagged off. It comes back when I feel lonley and isolated.

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I am not a fragile person, and I know I can fight this blackness away. But why do I have to fight? Why can my head not leave me in peace and let me be happy? Will I spend the rest of my life fighting this blackness? Will I ever win this battle?

 

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